One Man’s Discovery of Two Adult Newfound Biological Daughters
Recently I was contacted by a 38-year-old woman claiming to be my biological daughter. It was the second such contact I’ve received in as many years.
I had no reason to question her claim given the information she provided.
Direct-to-consumer DNA testing has been a sort of reckoning for me and other men who acted irresponsibly when we were young, drunk, and single.
In my case, I must acknowledge responsibility for upending the life plans of two young women and the trauma each suffered as a result of relinquishing a child for adoption.
I am ashamed.
I am angry (at myself).
I am deeply sorry that the two human beings I created grew up not knowing their origins or the identity of their biological father.
I feel terrible for my wife. She did not consent to any of this. She married a man without children. I know she is heartbroken and disappointed that this has happened again. I know I have asked too much of her.
I wonder what our children will think of me when I share this latest discovery. Will my dating advice, or any advice for that matter, mean anything?
The fact that I am a responsible family man today doesn’t excuse my past actions. But there are no easy answers for what I should do now to atone for them.
That is the challenge with these surprise DNA discoveries.
The way I handled my first newfound biological daughter discovery almost ruined my marriage. I wasn’t expecting all the conflicting emotions I had, and I didn’t cope with them well. And I didn’t allow my wife to work through her feelings at her own pace, without judgment.
I also had assumptions about how my newfound biological daughter would fit into our lives. Looking back, I realize I didn’t really take time to consider if inserting her into our family was the right thing to do.
But it seemed completely reasonable at the time.
I didn’t seek professional advice until my home life was in turmoil. I thought I could take care of this — “fix” things — on my own.
My friends shared my initial feeling that this shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Maybe because they knew the same thing could happen to them.
I didn’t know any adoptees. I thought adoption was a win-win.
I had no understanding of the trauma an adoptee might be dealing with. That she may have wounds I might be expected to help heal or a void she’d hope I would fill.
I allowed myself to get carried away in the excitement of those first few months. It clouded my priorities.
We’re both adults, but I am the “father” (for lack of a better term), and I should have been more careful. It is difficult to know that any pain she suffered, my mishandling of the situation made it worse.
These are some of the things that Ancestry.com and 23andMe gloss over when they show ads depicting happy, seamless reunions.
Obviously, not all strangers brought together through shared DNA become a family.
And should that really be the objective?
Though DNA doesn’t ensure a lasting connection or a parental bond, I found it applied a lot of pressure to create one. In my case, almost at any cost.
And I felt that pressure regardless of my biological daughters’ expectations or the nature of their first contact.
I don’t want to impose on your family.
I don’t expect anything from you.
But I am curious and I have questions.
I thought you should know that I exist.
This time I won’t read into the familiar words as I did before. I will assume that information is all she’s hoping for. Because it’s all I can offer. I’m just not capable of more.
Now I understand the risk of going down this path. I know that it doesn’t just include two people.
I recently read that one surprising DNA match affects 50-100 lives. I wouldn’t have believed it before, but I do now.
My marriage and the family my wife and I created together is more precious to me than ever before. I won’t put either at risk again, for any reason.
So I will answer all my second newfound biological daughter’s questions.
She deserves a complete picture of how she came to be.
But I will not pursue a relationship.
Instead, I will encourage her to treasure her family, to keep her focus on the people who are right in front of her, who have loved her for her whole life. I will tell her I am extra aware of how precious those relationships are. And that they should be protected.
At all costs.
Written by: Anonymous
If you’ve received a surprising DNA match either directly or indirectly and you are in need of genetic counseling or support, visit Watershed DNA.
For practical guidance for families who receive an unexpected father-daughter/son DNA match, check out Molly’s guide.
To share your story about a newfound biological daughter, please email molly@fatherdaughterdnamatch.com