I wrote this post a few years ago after my husband discovered a daughter he didn’t know about, wanting to share what I wish we would have done post-discovery. It originally appeared on WatershedDNA.com, a site that offered support to anyone experiencing a DNA surprise. There was a strong backlash (whoa, that comments section was rough!) as it challenged the idea that a newfound adult biological daugther or son should be automatically welcomed into an existing family unit. I didn’t think this advice was harsh or controversial at the time, and I still don’t. I believe that reunions are more likely to be successful if the parties involved follow these suggestions.
Our family received some unexpected news after my in-laws were given DNA test kits for Christmas. An unknown person designated as “granddaughter” appeared on their family tree. It turned out she was the adult child my husband created during a one-night stand in college.
She was adopted at birth by another couple and, thankfully, by her own account, had a wonderful upbringing.
To say this threw us for a loop is an understatement. We were unequipped to handle this discovery, both individually and as a couple. Every fault line in our marriage was revealed and magnified as we made important decisions in reactive mode, attempting to do what was “right” while trying to preserve our family unit. Something that a stronger, more connected marriage could have adapted to (and maybe even accepted) came close to ending ours.
When You’re On the Receiving End of an Unexpected DNA Result
As I relate our experience, I know there’s still little support for the blindsided family that receives this news. The companies that sell DNA test kits highlight the joyful Hallmark card-like reunions and first-ever meetings while knowing that isn’t the reality for everyone (not to mention the lack of follow-up on how the reunited have fared once the initial excitement wears off).
The fact is these discoveries can stress a family that wasn’t aware of or awaiting the reappearance of a relinquished child.
I’ve learned a lot from our own experience and through my interactions with other women in the same situation. What seems to be true for all of us is that our husbands (often by their own admission) had no idea what they were doing. And that a little support and direction could have saved the marriage and family significant stress.
I hope that by sharing what we learned, other couples will have less difficulty navigating what can be a very complex, emotional situation.
To that end, I would like to offer the following suggestions for the husband after discovering a previously unknown biological daughter:
Don’t Rush
If your biological daughter reached out to you, you may feel pressure to respond immediately. Instead, offer a kind acknowledgment via email or letter saying you need time to digest this information. Tell her you need to determine how to proceed, considering you have a wife and family. Ask what information you can provide in the meantime.
Go to Therapy
Even the strongest marriages can be thrown off kilter by this discovery; weaker ones can be destroyed by it. Don’t take a chance going it alone. If your therapist doesn’t immediately grasp the potential implications of this discovery (whether you pursue a relationship or not) on the marital bond and the family unit, find another therapist.
Validate
Try not to minimize your wife’s feelings by saying things like this happened before I met you, this isn’t that big of a deal, etc. This news may have rocked her world in a profound way. For one, until now she may have been under the reasonable assumption that she was the only woman on earth to bear your children. That alone can be the most devastating aspect of this experience.
Listen
Your wife may be struggling with complicated, conflicting feelings – fear of the unknown, anger, sadness, loss, (plus a ton of guilt for having those feelings), curiosity, excitement, and compassion. This range of emotions is 100 percent valid and normal.
While it’s easy to dismiss any negative feelings as jealousy, there’s more at play here. She’s likely feeling protective of the family you’ve created together. She’s a mother – such feelings are primal and natural. Also, consider that your wife, being a woman, has unique insights and observations that you don’t necessarily possess – insight that’s particularly relevant if you’ve discovered a daughter.
Own Responsibility
Of course, you didn’t intentionally get someone pregnant decades ago, but the reality is your past choices have affected your family today. Show that you understand that by talking openly, not only about your feelings but about the impact this could have on the family you created with your wife. Showing vulnerability will allow your wife to empathize with you and be a source of support. And trust me, you’re going to need her.
Don’t Immediately Try to “Fix It”
Discovering a daughter you didn’t know about is not an everyday issue or problem to be solved immediately. In our case, my husband’s biological daughter knew from an early age that she was adopted. And she had the support of a therapist leading up to and during her search. You just learned this information. Proceed slowly with care and recognize that there are lots of people and relationship dynamics to consider first.
Deal with Your Guilt
It is pretty heavy to learn you created a human being you had no idea existed – even more so if you find she’s had some difficulties in life. By trying to take responsibility now, it’s easy to overcompensate by leaping in headfirst before you’ve gotten real about what you even want or can offer as a married man with a family. Work through those feelings as much as possible before pursuing a relationship. Doing so can save a lot of confusion and heartbreak later.
Consider Your Children
There’s a huge spectrum of possible reactions to the discovery of a new half-sibling, with things like age, gender, and emotional maturity levels coming into play. You’ll also need to consider the strength of your individual bonds with the children you’ve been raising. Ask yourself if sharing this information or pursuing a relationship now is the right decision for the family.
Remember You and Your Wife Are a Team
Involve her in every decision, big and small, as it relates to this situation. Do not be secretive – even under the guise of “protecting her feelings.” It is impossible to carry on a relationship with the new biological daughter in a vacuum without damaging your marriage or other relationships in some way.
Support is Essential When You Discover You Have a Daughter You Didn’t Know About
With the continued popularity of DNA test kits, more men are going to learn they have a child they didn’t know about. They are going to need support. So are their wives and children. Should you find yourself in this situation, I hope these suggestions serve as a good starting point from which you and your wife, together as partners, can determine the path that’s best for your family.
This post was expanded into a guide for other families who find themselves in this position. Check it out here.