Typical Not Normal
The feelings that a husband and wife may experience when the husband discovers he has an adult biological daughter are different than any feelings that they may have had at any other time in their life.
These feelings, while typical to others in this situation, are not normal. Feelings of fathers – the falling in love syndrome, the inappropriate need to share, the “high”, the obligation, the guilt. These feelings may be typical of newfound fathers, and husbands and their wives should be aware, but know these feelings are far from normal.
Most people in their lives will never experience these feelings and in no way can relate. These typical feelings need to be recognized and handled in ways that protect the current lives of all parties.
Recognize the pitfalls and deal with them.
Know that father may go off on a tangent without knowing or stopping himself, the excitement of the moment.
The wife may become verbally abusive and argumentative as she does not understand what is happening. Threatened by this new person, is she after money?
The wife will feel jealousy, betrayal, confusion, fear, anxiety, and pain. And these feelings are typical, not normal, because, again, most wives will never experience these feelings. Even if the husband has had an affair, these feelings are very different.
So when this discovery arises, this daughter who turns up out of the blue, all grown and from a past relationship, steps need to be taken by all parties to stem potential grief.
From the very beginning, involve all family members in the first meeting of father and daughter so it does not become an exclusive relationship. Knowing there are intense feelings on both sides, father and daughter should not spend time alone until many family meetings have taken place, and husbands and wives are on the same page.
At the first meeting, bring pictures so father and daughter can experience in some way what growing up with this person would have been like. Pictures of the daughter in all stages of life, baby, toddler, kindergarten, grammar school, high school, pictures with her family, mom, dad, and siblings. At least up to age eighteen.
Father, the same. Pictures at the age when daughter was born and the ensuing years, where he lived, his wife, and his children. If it was in his twenties when she was born, start there and progress as she ages, he ages. She sees him as he was when she was fifteen and maybe went to a school dance or had a first date.
Pictures of him and what his hobbies were then, his job. Anything to recreate a past that they can share together now. Like a recreation of the Westermarck effect.
This is who you would have known over those years. And subsequent meetings are short between the two. Taking it very slowly after initial meetings with family members, a breakfast, a walk, a lunch. Letters and emails describing themselves are shared with family, especially the wife. It is critical in the early stages to be inclusive and lay a common foundation for everyone. Nothing should be overdone. Phone calls, texts, pictures of everyday life. Past life is more important than current life. Current life can proceed slowly. Realize these are two strangers whose only link is DNA and a desire to know the other one. Curiosity, awareness, you can’t step out of your current life for this and expect to have your current life in a year’s time.
This is true for everyone involved. Rushing is like pushing down on a delicate flower. You have to be careful. Situation can be made somewhat normal, but it will always sit outside somehow.
For me, 30 months into it now, and my husband and I have seen three therapists, but the reality did not kick in until I found the podcasts and website and book of Molly Corrigan. Then it all started to make sense. And I gained such confidence, and no matter how it ends up, I understand. I would like to know and understand the feelings of the daughter. Honest feelings, not what she thinks they should be, but what they are. Not in the context of holding on, but in the heart.
Nancy