Women and men reach out to me regularly after reading Father-Daughter Surprise DNA Match. Some want to share a little about their experience with a newfound biological daughter.
One wife in particular wanted to express why these discoveries can be difficult for a wife and marriage. Please reach out if you’d like to share your story too. Here’s is a bit of “Kate’s.”
Of course, many wives are upset and resistant when our husbands discover they have an newfound adult biological daughter.
A lot of us have figured out that often these relationships aren’t healthy.
But you wouldn’t know it given the popular narrative consumer DNA testing companies continue to push. You know, the one that makes it seem like newly discovered relatives are easy to fold into a family.
It’s important to share the flipside.
From the start, these discoveries can be a powder keg; a volatile combination of guilt, shame, excitement, and lofty expectations.
And after the initial excitement? Well, sometimes they don’t go anywhere.
Ours didn’t, and I can understand why my husband’s biodaughter is upset.
He didn’t consider her feelings any more than he considered mine. For a man who lives moment to moment (like my husband), emotions are easy to overlook.
It’s easy to make decisions without really thinking them through.
For many of us, the biodaughter has gone back to her life and our husbands have tucked the experience away in its own little box, never to be opened again.
And it’s left up to us to put the pieces back together.
Our kids have splinters, our marriages are riddled with shrapnel.
Our husbands are “sorry.”
They’re done playing. They want to come back inside.
They’d like us to move on.
They don’t want to be reminded of the hurt and pain, the trauma they’ve subjected us to.
For those of us who have really difficult experiences, we’re left with a decision: Do we stay with the men we’ve built a life with?
They’ve damaged our trust and security. They’ve made us question whether we share the most basic priorities. We’ve lost faith in our ability to get through the next “life challenge” together.
Or do we breathe a sigh of relief, stay and rebuild, and be thankful?
After all, they didn’t know what they were doing. There was no guidance ‘out there’ for them.
Except for what we tried to tell them all along.
Some of us are lucky. We’ve become closer to our husbands. After this, we know our marriages can withstand anything.
But there are many of us who may never find relief. Our men won’t take responsibility for their actions. They are incapable of owning their part.
We’ll have to bury our feelings, our sadness, and our heartbreak.
And hope they’ll fade from memory.
All of this, because a woman didn’t get to grow up with the man who had a one-night stand with her mother decades ago.
Now that she can find out his identity, why not try to establish a relationship?
She is “entitled” to that. Other people in his life will have to find a way to adjust.
That’s what’s wrong with us wives.
If you’ve received a surprising DNA match either directly or indirectly and you are in need of genetic counseling or support, visit Watershed DNA.
For practical guidance for families who receive an unexpected father-daughter/son DNA match, check out Molly’s guide.
To share your story about a newfound biological daughter or son, please email dnadiscoveryhelpatfacebook@