I thought this was a great post. It provides some insight into the complexities of surprise DNA test discoveries (specifically a newfound adult biological daughter). It recently appeared on the Watershed DNA blog. Please visit the site if you’ve had an unexpected match on a consumer DNA test and are in need of support. Brianne Kirkpatrick is a genetic counselor, author, DNA coach, and founder of the site. She offers support to any person impacted by a surprise discovery regardless of their “role” in it.
Molly
A Newfound Biological Daughter Needs Insight About Her Biological Father’s Wife
Dear Brianne,
I was adopted as a child and my birth mother never told my father about me—she only knew his first name, so there really wasn’t a way to find him anyhow. I was able to identify him through DNA testing and reached out. My birth father has accepted me, and he and I are forming a relationship, but his wife seems very reluctant. She won’t talk to me and didn’t come when my father and I met. Why is he accepting me and she is not?
– Confused and Wondering
Dear Confused and Wondering,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Every situation is unique and complex. Step back and realize there’s nothing that you can do differently to change the situation right now other than to try to be patient and respectful. It can be hard but helpful to try to step into the shoes of the other person and see the discovery from their perspective.
“It can be hard but helpful to try to step into the shoes of the other person and see the discovery from their perspective.”
If you begin to see signs that your father’s existing family has different priorities than yours, apply the breaks until you understand the situation better. Look for answers to some hard questions that need to be asked.
What are “hard” questions in situations like this? At some point you and your biological father will need to communicate about topics like:
How and when you text, talk, and visit (unexpected, out-of-the-blue communication can be disruptive)
What to call each other (calling him “Dad” is like an earthquake in some families and a huge step to take after open discussion beyond just the two of you)
Setting limits around gift-giving (be respectful of any boundaries set, and be willing to refuse if boundaries you set are tested or ignored)
Reaching agreement about how to acknowledge holidays and birthdays (changes to family traditions require time for adjustment, and not everyone is interested in this)
I have worked with many different sides of the surprise discovery situation. The detailed discussions taking place on the Watershed DNA network also reveal some of the complexities going on in different families. There is almost always more going on behind the scenes in a family than what is visible to outsiders. Blog posts like this one and the others it links to can help.
“There is almost always more going on behind the scenes in a family than what is visible to outsiders.”
Sometimes, what looks like disinterest from a wife can actually be a situation of the husband running interference, seeking to control what is said about him to a newfound adult child. He might be struggling with feelings of guilt or sadness or betrayal, or he’s trying to make up for lost time. His wife might be confused and upset by her husband’s behaviors that result.
The person in a discovered bio family who wants to move at a slower pace often realizes is healthier for the whole family. You might have known they were “out there” but they might have only just learned of your existence. You are still a stranger to them, and they are adjusting to a shock.
Realize your biological father’s wife might be coming from a place of wisdom, understanding that trust has to be nurtured for any relationship to grow, and relationships take time to develop. A DNA test result can’t replace the experiences that time between a parent and child provide.
“The person in a discovered bio family who wants to move at a slower pace often realizes is healthier for the whole family.”
I know it can feel personal to you when you aren’t met with a warm embrace all-around. It can hurt to be told that you are expecting too much and it can hurt to realize that integrating into your biological father’s life and family might not be working.
The healthiest step to take for yourself is to work with a counselor or therapist who specializes in work with adult adoptees, or one with experience working with families navigating life after a DNA discovery. Psychologytoday.com has a search tool for locating a therapist or counselor, and the site npecounseling.com is another directory of specialists who might be able to support you.
As you wait to see if new relationships form with biological relatives and their existing families, don’t neglect the people in your life who are important to you.
Take the time to nurture the relationships already in your life, and try to be patient with the ones that are just beginning to form.
“As you wait to see if new relationships form with biological relatives and their existing families, don’t neglect the people in your life who are important to you.”
– Brianne
COMMENTS
Nicole W A week ago, 0 likes
I appreciate this post and I’d like to expand on wives’ unique “wisdom” as it relates to surprise adult biological daughters. I have been married to my husband for two decades. He would agree that I am the person who knows him best (and vice-versa). This surprise turned his world and the way he saw himself upside down. 30+ years after a one-night encounter he gets a “knock on the door.” His emotions were all over the map for months. He was shocked, excited, ambivalent, embarrassed, angry, sad, proud, wistful, guilt-ridden…you name it, he had that emotion.
It didn’t matter that she said she was just “curious,” interested in some information, and didn’t want to upset a family. He was determined to “help her” and “Take Responsibility.” It didn’t matter that she was an adult who already had parents. And for a time, it didn’t matter how his own family felt about it.
He acted in ways that were unrecognizable to me and he said later, to himself.
He says now that he never stopped to consider how “this” was actually going to work and that he was struggling with emotions he didn’t know how to process, let alone articulate. As the person who knows him best, this was obvious to me long before he realized it.
But the pressure he felt to do the “right thing,” to make up for the past and to be a “good guy” was overpowering and all-consuming. So much so that it made him turn away from the woman he’d built a life with, with whom he created the children he was actually responsible for. The fact that I tried to be logical, realistic, or that I would ask “why are we doing this” was considered unkind and unsupportive.
But see, as his wife of 20 years, I had a pretty good idea of how this would all turn out. We could have saved a lot of pain for everyone. My husband is a wonderful man, but I know what he is capable of. And this wasn’t a relationship that I could manage for him (wives tend to take the lead with relatives, at least many that I know).
In our situation, it turned out that there were expectations (some fueled by premature overtures made by my husband). It also became clear his biodaughter had wounds that needed healing. I recognized the complexities of the situation and the risks before he did.
Still, for a time, my rational, logical husband lived in an alternate universe, one where a perfect stranger could instantly become part of a family simply by virtue of DNA.
I can see why wives are blamed when things don’t work out. But in many cases–because I know of many–the biological father has simply had the time he needed to sort through his complex feelings and return to Earth.
Other times it takes that first disagreement between him and his biodaughter to realize that this is an adult whose life and experiences he knows nothing about. And when there’s no shared history, no attachment, no unconditional love…well, perhaps he’s realized that this relationship will require a lot of work. That may not be what he had in mind.
We’re all fed this notion that DNA discoveries create a happy 2020 Ancestry.com version of Modern Family. But that’s not always the case, particularly in these situations where men are surprised by unknown offspring. I think these companies are doing a lot of damage by being disingenuous about that reality. And as a result, they are hurting the customers they claim to care about.
If you’ve received a surprising DNA test match either directly or indirectly and you are in need of genetic counseling or support, visit Watershed DNA.
For practical guidance for families who discover a newfound biological daughter, check out Molly’s guide.
To share your story please email molly@fatherdaughterdnamatch.com
I appreciate this post and I’d like to expand on wives’ unique “wisdom” as it relates to surprise adult biological daughters. I have been married to my husband for two decades. He would agree that I am the person who knows him best (and vice-versa). This surprise turned his world and the way he saw himself upside down. 30+ years after a one-night encounter he gets a “knock on the door.” His emotions were all over the map for months. He was shocked, excited, ambivalent, embarrassed, angry, sad, proud, wistful, guilt-ridden…you name it, he had that emotion.
It didn’t matter that she said she was just “curious,” interested in some information, and didn’t want to upset a family. He was determined to “help her” and “Take Responsibility.” It didn’t matter that she was an adult who already had parents. And for a time, it didn’t matter how his own family felt about it.
He acted in ways that were unrecognizable to me and he said later, to himself.
He says now that he never stopped to consider how “this” was actually going to work and that he was struggling with emotions he didn’t know how to process, let alone articulate. As the person who knows him best, this was obvious to me long before he realized it.
But the pressure he felt to do the “right thing,” to make up for the past and to be a “good guy” was overpowering and all-consuming. So much so that it made him turn away from the woman he’d built a life with, with whom he created the children he was actually responsible for. The fact that I tried to be logical, realistic, or that I would ask “why are we doing this” was considered unkind and unsupportive.
But see, as his wife of 20 years, I had a pretty good idea of how this would all turn out. We could have saved a lot of pain for everyone. My husband is a wonderful man, but I know what he is capable of. And this wasn’t a relationship that I could manage for him (wives tend to take the lead with relatives, at least many that I know).
In our situation, it turned out that there were expectations (some fueled by premature overtures made by my husband). It also became clear his biodaughter had wounds that needed healing. I recognized the complexities of the situation and the risks before he did.
Still, for a time, my rational, logical husband lived in an alternate universe, one where a perfect stranger could instantly become part of a family simply by virtue of DNA.
I can see why wives are blamed when things don’t work out. But in many cases–because I know of many–the biological father has simply had the time he needed to sort through his complex feelings and return to Earth.
Other times it takes that first disagreement between him and his biodaughter to realize that this is an adult whose life and experiences he knows nothing about. And when there’s no shared history, no attachment, no unconditional love…well, perhaps he’s realized that this relationship will require a lot of work. That may not be what he had in mind.
We’re all fed this notion that DNA discoveries create a happy 2020 Ancestry.com version of Modern Family. But that’s not always the case, particularly in these situations where men are surprised by unknown offspring. I think these companies are doing a lot of damage by being disingenuous about that reality. And as a result, they are hurting the customers they claim to care about.